It Was Bound To Happen
by NoblesseOblige
Summary: One-Shot. People believe that everyone in Gensokyo is gay. I'm here to present you an obvious inconvenient to this situation, and a not so obvious solution for it. Enjoy.


**DISCLAIMER: **Touhou Project belongs to Team Shangai Alice, or ZUN. That much should be common sense if you're in this part of the internet.

"Speak"

_Thought_

* * *

**I Was Bound To Happen**

"I do not approve!" She said, standing up, folding her arms, and putting on her best and most authoritative glare.

"I know." She answered in a monotone, not bothering to stand up, and looking as bored as possible.

"I don't like him!" She said, pointing at a very scared young man sitting in a corner of the living room. Mind you, she was also very annoyed that said boy was still sitting there and not out in the cold of the night.

"I guessed." She answered, same position, same expression.

"He's ugly! He looks like a perv! I bet he spends all his day watching porn on one of those TV things you speak about! I won't let him to touch her!" She continued her rant, still pointing to the very scared young man who, by this point, was doing his best to look as tiny as he could. By the way, the poor boy was naked and tied up on hands and feet. He obviously didn't want to be in that place.

"You've said that before." She answered, same attitude as before.

And so, the argument continued as it had for the last two and half hours. The first trying her best to make the poor boy look like the worst abomination to ever walk the face of Earth, the second doing her best to ignore the first while at the same time avoiding making her angry (not like she really cared if the other was angry or not, she just didn't want any unnecessary unpleasantries). The one ranting was Marisa, listing all possible defects she saw in Random Nameless Guy present in the same room and making up a few others to try and make a point. The other interlocutor was Yukari, doing her best to remain as impassive as her infinite wisdom allowed. You should probably know, too, that this was not the first time this happened. In fact, the current Random Nameless Guy with them today would be more accurately described as Random Nameless Guy #46.

"Well, yeah. You heard me. Now, can you send him back home? I can't stand him here." Yes, Marisa had actually 'disapproved' of no less than forty-five 'volunteers' already.

"Nobody cares." Yukari stated her firm, or more like bored, opinion.

"What do you mean, old hag? She's MY wife! The only one who has to care is me, ze!" Marisa shouted and slammed her hands on the table, but now she was watching with glee how Yukari's composure finally broke.

It was the turn of said old hag to stand up and glare at the other. "Watch your mouth you bratty witch!" Infinite wisdom only takes you so far.

"What? Did I touch a nerve there? Could it be that your age has made you so dry that y-"

"Marisa!" Reimu, the last person in the room, decided to interject. "You should be thankful that Yukari's going through this trouble for us."

"Thankful? She wants you to sleep with someone else that is no ME!"

To be truthful, Reimu didn't really cared. She honestly believed that such acts, done without love, were little more than a game. But going against Marisa in this circumstances was not the most intelligent thing to do if one wanted to avoid a fight. "I know Marisa... but you know this is something that had to be done. Think of it as a necessary evil."

"B-But..."

"Reimu's right, witch. The Hakurei bloodline must be continued. Besides, you don't have the necessary... 'equipment' shall we say?" Yukari obviously didn't feel the same need to keep the witch appeased. "After personaly examinating him, I can testify he's more than capable of performing the task."

Reimu blushed and looked at Yukari with disbelieving eyes. Marisa, however, didn't catch the implications of Yukari's statement and chose instead to look at Random Nameless Guy #46 and eloquently comment on her feelings on the matter. "Grr..."

Random Nameless Guy #46, RNG #46 for short, was as confused as his mind let him. He thought he was going to go mad. Before coming to this place... 'Gensokyo' (the one named Yukari had thankfully provided the name for him) or wherever this is, the last thing he remembered was going to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, and being sucked INTO the the toilet! He was literally flushed! But instead of seeing unlimited fecal works, all he saw was countless eyes gazing at him. Minutes, hours or days later (time was one of the few things he couldn't feel while in that space) he woke up, naked, on a bed in house that minutes later he found out belonged to a girl. If that's good or bad is a thing he will later debate with himself. And now he was presented with the fact that, if what he was listening was true and he wasn't in some kind of weird dream, Yukari wanted him to have sex with the red and white miko, Reimu if he heard right. Normally, he would have no problem with this. Current circumstances suggested more caution however. He was still tied up and although the girls didn't look dangerous, he didn't know what they could do to him. And that witch wannabe looked pretty pissed off.

_I've always been was a smooth talker, maybe I can buy my way out of this... _"Excuse me ladies, I thin-"

**BAM!**

A broom to the face.

"Nobody asked you anything, ze!"

"Marisa, be more gentle to our guest please."

"My, don't damage the goods witch, it's a bother going around looking for good ones."

_OUCH! Where did she have that broom...? Whatever... _And he chose the wise thing, to stay silent.

"Look witch, I even went through the trouble of looking for some of your distant relatives in the outside world. So you take this, who at least has a few Kirisame genes, or you risk whatever I decide to bring next." Lies, but she wasn't about to tell that to the witch. By now, the game was more about lying to Marisa than trying to find suitable candidates. "This one's blonde hair is almost the same tone as yours, lovely, ain't he?" This was true, and it only served to gall the black-white even more. The thought of Reimu doing it with a male version of herself wasn't pleasant at all (it would have been if said male was her, but life's not so easy). Yukari, of course, knew this, and didn't try to hide her smirk.

By the way, RNG #46 didn't really care if she was family or not. He just wanted to wake up in his bed already.

"Yukari, you're not helping here! Would you leave me alone with Marisa for a few minutes please?"

"Okay darling~" Said Yukari in very convincing caring voice while placing a hand on Reimu's cheek. "Just call me if you have any trouble, I'll be wating outside~"

"Hey! Take your hand off my-"

"Marisa, cut it please. You know she's just teasing you."

"Okay..." RNG #46 thought she looked very cute pouting like that. Naturally, he didn't dare to voice it.

A few minutes later turned out to be an hour. Yukari was seriously considering leaving and sending Ran in search of another 'volunteer'. She almost felt pity for Ran. Having her looking around the world for pretty guys that might please both Reimu AND Marisa was a difficult task. The current one was a very lucky finding if she had to be honest. She just happened to see his face in the internet and his golden hair catched her attention, he looks so very much like a male version, 'bishounen' she believed was the word used in the outside world, of Marisa she thought they would take him immidiately. The only thing he didn't have were the witches eyes, his were brown. Reimu agreed at first sight, a little too eager maybe. Too bad the witch thought she was only mocking her.

Although, having Ran 'test' the subjects to see if their 'equipment' worked properly was very... entertaining.

**

* * *

**

"Yukari, we're done!" called Reimu from inside the Shrine.

_So the stubborn witch was finally convinced. _Was Yukari's thought as she entered the Shrine again. "Really? How dissapointing, I thought you would put up a more decent fight." She said to the witch, who just glared at her. Truth to be told, she did feel a little dissapointed. Ran's adventures would now have to end. _But she doesn't have to know that the witch has finally settled for a candidate. Fu fu fu... _The grin on her face DID NOT make her look like a perverted old man! Seriously, it didn't!

"I'll be outside waiting. You!" Let the finger pointing at tonight's (un)lucky guy tell you who she was talking to. "You'd better not enjoy anything you do tonight, ze! If you so much as feel the tiniest amount of pleasure I'm gonna take this broom and stick so deep into your a-"

"Marisa! It's going to be kinda difficult for me to get pregnant if he doesn't feel any pleasure!"

Ah! Reimu had a point there. It was a key element in the process of procreation for the man to feel pleasure, too. As she realized this, the only thing Marisa could do was think a few things that could no longer be unseen, avoid Reimu's eyes, blush, and stutter "Y- You'd better not try too hard Reimu!" She was lucky that cameras were not a widespread gadget in Gensokyo, many would kill to see her in her current state.

_Hehe, cute! _Thought the miko while making an almost sadistic grin. "Why? I don't want to do this Marisa, but since I am then I might as well have fun, don't you think so?" There was no way she would let this opportunity go, teasing Marisa was becoming harder and harder as the years passed.

"R-Reimu!"

Well, teasing time was over. "Easy honey. You know you're the only one for me." She said this as she gave the witch a loving kiss.

"If you want, I can let you look through one of my gaps, witch." Yukari didn't agree with the cease-teasing order.

"Love Sign..."

"Marisa, please, don't. Go outside, breath some fresh air, forget about Yukari and go beat some random youkai up. I'll be out in a moment. Okay?" Said Reimu with a gentle and pleading tone.

Looking resigned, the black-white exited the room, but not before shooting a few angry looks at the little whimp in the corner.

"Yukari, aren't you leaving too?"

"Eh? Oh! No, no. Please don't mind me." Very few would have believed that she was serious about such declaration, Reimu was one of them. At the sight of her raised gohei the gap youkai quickly backed down and handed the miko two little bottles. "This one is for you, it will make sure you conceive tonight. The other is for him, it will make sure everything works properly."

"It will make sure everything works properly?" Reimu asked wondering what Yukari meant.

"Indeed." Yukari replied, not helping at all.

"..." Reimu commented, making it very clear that she didn't like the implications.

"..." Yukari answered, showing how incredibly amused she was at the prospect.

"Right, now leave."

"Aren't you pleased, young one? You get to have fun tonight!" RNG #46's only response was a nervous chuckle.

* * *

Marisa was annoyed. A certain darkness youkai had the missfortune of finding out and serving as a frustration vent. Still not enough. Only just now did Marisa realize that one of the main disadvantages of firing Master Spark first is that it finishes off lesser enemies far too quickly.

She was now on her way back to the shrine, she honestly didn't want to go back, but she was living there now. Also, all youkai that could have provided a distraction for the mad witch had already witnessed what happened to Rumia a few minutes ago and ran for their lives as fast as they could.

"So, you've come back to see the show?" Asked Yukari with a teasing smirk.

Thinking a little more about it, it probably was a better idea to keep searching for youkais.

"Shut up!" She looked at Yukari to make her recieve the full power of her glare, and saw what the gap youkai was looking at. "Hey! Close that damned gap!"

"Why do you always have to ruin the fun? You know, you should relax a little and learn from what she's doing in there." There was no logical reason for her to be teasing the black-white this much, and 'For the lulz!' is not one. Naturally, Yukari didn't care, she never really liked the witch anyway, she was the one that got in the way between her and Reimu and, to make matters worse, got away with it. Reimu and Marisa, however, still didn't know about it. "Maybe you'll learn how to really please a lady." It was a mystery how nobody had found out about it yet.

"I told you to shut up! And I don't want advice from a thosand year old hag, ze!" Marisa was happy to correspond the other's feeling's.

"Hmph, do as you wish. But I can assure you that Reimu's about to find out how good it can feel to be playing for the other side." She finished with a giggle.

"That's a lie! I'm sure Reimu's gonna get out of there bored as hell. That whimp won't even be able to make her blush, ze. And putting that aside, didn't I tell you to SHUT UP!" Needless to say, Marisa's irritation was reaching entirely new levels.

Rolling her eyes, Yukari continued her point. "Oh please! Have you ever tasted a man, young witch?"

"No! And I don't need to! And neither has Reimu, so I'm sure she's-"

"Ahh! Yeess! Harder! Harder damnit! Aahhhh!" Reimu voiced her opinion on the matter, even though she was at the other side of the house.

Ankward silence didn't even begin to describe the situation. Maybe because it wasn't complete silence, as Reimu apparantly thought she hadn't said enough about her point and continued to 'express' her 'reasons'. It was only natural to say that Marisa had had enough.

"I'm getting out of here, tell Reimu I'll be back by morning, ze."

"What makes you think Reimu will be finished by morning" Even the author's having too much fun teasing Marisa.

"I- She..."

"Yes?"

"... SHUT UP!" She said while mounting her broom and quickly geting out of sight.

Truly, one could almost feel pity for the witch. Those who have the abililty to listen to one's beloved having sex with someone else and not Master Spark them there and then are probably very few. Fewer if one considers the number of people with the ability to Master Spark something. And it becomes an incredibly improbable thing if one factors in the tempers of those who can Master Spark things.

So it comes to no surprise when Yukari heard "[Love Sign: Master Spark]", and only a well placed gap prevented things from becoming messy.

"Please, that's too childish, even for you little witch! Go and lose some time with one of your lovers, the puppeter or the librarian. I'm sure they can make up for the fun you're missing tonight~!" And after making sure that the witch finally left the area for good, she proceeded to open another gap, this one small enough that only she could see through it and people on the other side would not notice it.

"I wonder how they are doing..." she whispered "Oh my, that looks... interesting."

* * *

The night passed. No other inconvinients happened.

It was middle afternoon when Reimu woke up and went out to enjoy the sunlight. She wasn't surprissed when she didn't find anyone else except for the boy sleeping in her futon. She knew Yukari probably got bored during the night and went to sleep, and Marisa was most likely sulking in her former house. It didn't matter, she was feeling far too peaceful this morning. _Marisa you dummy... well, you'll come back anyway. You always do. _She thought and smiled while looking down and touching her belly. She could feel it. Her spiritual powers allowed her, she could sense a new life taking form deep inside of her. She was pregnant. It was tiny, almost imperceptible, but it was still there._ And besides, you have to say hello to my child. OUR child. _And yes, it truly was their child. Magic is like that. Combined with lunarian technology and Eirin's shady drugs, some wonderful things could be achieved. A blood sample taken from Marisa a certain time ago was given other uses aside from simple clinical diagnosis. She didn't know how it worked or in wich of the bottles Yukari gave them last night was, she only knew that last night it wasn't some random guy's seed what she received, it was Marisa's.

"Well, I better start cleaning. I've already lost too much of the day."

**_FIN_**

* * *

**AN: **YAY! My first fic, finally! :D It's a short story, I know, but I got to start with something. I already have plans for other fics, just give me time ;) Well, the obligated request: Please Review! I'm particularly interested in knowing if I managed to get a at least one or two laughs from you. I'm not really confident in my skills to tell jokes, so I'm nervous about that. Thanks for reading ;)

* * *

**************OMAKE – Nameless Forever **

RNG #46 woke up alone and in utter confusion. He was feeling terrible, probably the worst hang over he's had in his entire life. He didn't remember anything that happened last night. The only thing he could recall was being tied up naked in room with three girls. _Ah... so that's what happened... hehe. _Naturaly, he forgot the parts about being kidnapped, being scared to death, and the conversation about having sex with a lesbian woman married to a very pissed off witch.

With a new rush of confidence and feeling more manly than ever, he made his way out of the room and wandered around the house until he located something that looked like a kitchen. There was no refrigerator (something that deeply confused him, but he thought they might keep it somewhere else), so he decided to check the cupboards for something to eat. _After all, I was invited here, wasn't I? I guess they won't mind if I take a snack._

"Hey! Who do you think you are? Who told you can just go through other people's things?" Ah...someone else was in the house. If he wasn't wrong, then it was one of the girls that was with him last night. And he wasn't entirely wrong, he was just seriously misunderstanding a few things.

"Hey there babe. Come on~ don't tell I can't eat anything after what we did last night." He winked and put up his best lady's man smile. _Blonde hair, golden eyes, and is that a witch outfit? She's cute! Ha, I should've known one day I was going to be this lucky!_

"You...!" She said quickly getting angry.

"I...?"

A few seconds passed after wich her scowl turned into a wicked grin. "Come with me lucky guy, let's have have some fun before you leave, ze."

"Please, you don't even have to ask." The idiot answered completly obvlivious to what was coming to him.

RNG #46 arrived to his home in the outside world with three broken fingers, a damaged rib, and severe psychological trauma.

And Gensokyo never knew his name.

* * *

**OMAKE 2 – Nine Months After**

The time had come, and now they were at Eintei waiting for Eirin to discharge Reimu.

The recently made mother laid in bed holding her daughter in her arms. A beautiful sight in Marisa's eyes. And as expected, those of the Hakurei bloodline kept the record of not even one male child, ever. But that's beside the point. Currently, Marisa was facing a problem that she's been trying to avoid for nine months, but that problem was facing her right in the eyes right now. _It's now or never, do or die, just go out with it!_

"Reimu..." Marisa started slowly.

"Yes?" Reimu answered in tired but peaceful voice.

"Ho- How are you gonna name her?"

"Hehe, I believe you meant 'WE'. You know you're very cute when you're stuttering like that." Said the miko playfully

"R-Reimu! Well... you know... she's not even my child so I thought that I shou-"

"Aiko."

"What?"

"I said 'Aiko'. She's a child born of love, Marisa. Look, she even has golden eyes, just like yours. You still think she's not yours?"

The witch looked and saw that, as Reimu said, the child had golden eyes. Few words can describe what she felt at that moment. However a very good aproximation would be a decent amount of relief for what could have been, but was not, combined with an equal amount of anxiety for what was not going to be, but now is and will be and finally, one should add love for the one that made it possible and love for the result. How much? Well, you just add, and add, and add... If you still need a measure, well, add until you're satisfied, but who can ever have enough of such thing?

Aiko was looking forward to a bright future, even if she still didn't know about it...

_**FIN (honestly this time)**_

_**

* * *

**_

**AN2: **"Ai" means love, while "ko" means child. I don't remember the kanji, but it was something like that. I honestly planned to end it on Omake 1, but Omake 2 just wrote itself :P What do you think of RNG #46? XD


End file.
